Misplaced Aggression

I saw one of my ex boyfriends at a bar about a week ago and he's now dating someone younger, whiter, and more feminine than me. Throughout the evening, I'd come up to him and say things like "Do you still go to church with your mommy on Sundays? I think that's so cute!" or "You still have one of my cock rings and I want it back."

We weren't even boyfriends, really. We saw each other exclusively for a few weeks and had a ton of sex. It didn't even end that badly, so there was no need for me to be so rude or spiteful to him or his new piece of fluff. Seriously, anyone who wears sunglasses in a bar after 10 PM deserves to be made fun of. But where did all of that venom come from? Why was I so quick to tear into the helpless little Ken doll? A clue to my misplaced rage would come from an event in my past.

A while back, I was reading Instinct magazine and I saw that one of my ex boyfriends (who I will refer to as "Mossimo") was featured in the blind date section. Every month, they do an article where they choose two guys and send them on a date like that show "Blind Date."

His date was some twinkie white boy who looked like he was forced into gay prostitution because he had a pretty mouth and an ass so tight that it could snap the ties off of a bundle of newspapers if he sat on them. He listed the last three books he read: The Old Man and the Sea, The Great Gatsby, and The Picture of Dorian Gray. Upon further investigation, I found out that those three books were on the literature reading list for one of the high schools in the city where "Mossimo" lives. Way to screen your applicants, Instinct Magazine!

I criticized everything they did in the article, from the henna tattoos to the game of laser tag where Mossimo complained that it was too dark to see anything. I carried a copy of the article to show people and I realized that I was not in a good mental state when I went up to complete strangers at coffee shops and showed them how pathetic I thought Mossimo was for wearing flip flops to a bar where his date wasn't supposed to be anyway because he was still in high school.

I thought to myself: "Richie, you've got a lot of hidden anger!" Then I stopped thinking to myself like because it would only lead to talking to myself and only nutjobs do that. Though seemingly crazy, my initial observation was accurate. Now I know how Goldie Hawn felt when she saw Elizabeth Berkley in "The First Wives Club." It's never easy seeing your ex dating someone younger, cuter, and possibly better at sex than you are. It'll happen to you too, so don't scoff at me.

My only consolation is the fact that in a lot of other situations for other people, I'm the saucy little sexpot that's better than THEM. It's one of those 'circle of life' kinds of things, really. I meet a guy, he eventually dumps me for a cuter guy, I meet another guy and find out that he dumped his boyfriend to be with me, the guy who got dumped meets a cuter guy than the one that I'm currently dating, the guy who I was initially dating gets dumped by the guy he dumped me for, and... well maybe it's not a perfect circle, but you get the idea.