Walk Like a Man

Someone told me yesterday that I have a funny walk. They didn't say I had a swish or a limp, just that I walked "funny." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? "YOU WALK FUNNY!" That's one of the few statements that is able to render me speechless. It was like they pulled the keystone out of my archway of self esteem, because everything started crashing in on me. I've always had issues with my gait and I am very sensitive about it.

My walking trauma began in grade school, when a mean girl named Jenny thought it would be funny to tell the whole class a funny thing about me. It was the segment of class where each kid would tell everyone something interesting about the person next to us. To this day, I think my teacher was smoking crack. When Jenny's turn came up, she told the class that she thought it was funny how I walked like a duck. That was stupid because she was insulting me rather than complimenting me. The kids just loved the drama and I never heard the end of it! My name was synonymous with 'duck' like the game "Richard, Richard, Goose."

My friends proceeded to give me walking lessons, where I'd have to walk from one end of the playground to the other while a group of kids judged me on poise and natural glide. It was like America's Next Top Schoolboy. Eventually, the kids forgot about the duck walk and found another way to torment me. They started calling me "Bitchard Fagallano." Those bastards.

My uncle was no better than the schoolkids. When I got older, he told me that I walked like a girl and he would mimic the way a woman walked. He decided to gay it up and make me feel worse by adding the limp wrist and Betty Grable hip motion. I was so embarrassed that I would never move whenever I was around him. When walking was inevitable, I'd walk behind him so he wouldn't get a chance to make fun of me. He still got his barbs in every now and then, and every jab he took at me made me feel less and less of a person. I couldn't help the way I walked. Update: My uncle doesn't bother me anymore because I am taller than him and can crush him like a can of diet coke. I've reminded him of this on several occasions.

I thought I cleaned house when it came to finding and dealing with the aspects of myself that I was overly sensitive about. Then I realized that there's always going to be a part of me that will be different from the norm, and that I can't do anything about it. The small-minded jerkoff who said that I walked funny was just projecting his own insecurities on to me, and I fell right into it. I may walk funny, but at least I don't look funny. ZING!