Would you like fries with your wig?

My friend told me that they're opening up a Hamburger Mary's over on Clark street in Andersonville. I've never heard of it before, but people tell me that there are locations all across the country. I really love hamburger joints because of the simplicity of the menu. It's meat, it's charred, and it's greasy. The interesting thing about Hamburger Mary's is that the servers are drag queens. I find that a little odd - not because I think drag queens are odd, but because they're rarely found in a serving position. All the drag queens I know like to GIVE orders, not take them.

I don't think you need to be an actual drag queen to work there. You'd just have to look like one. I can't imagine myself doing drag because I don't have the cheek bones. I do know a lot of drag queens who, if they combined their talents, could possibly turn me into one. Imagine them working on me with welding torches and sequins in a dark laboratory/workshop on the south side one stormy night. When they're through, I'll sit up from the slab like a drag queen terminator as I lift my arm and it morphs into a stick of glittery lip shine. My name would be Freida DeSoto and my signature move would be the "DeSoto So' Toe," which would be me stepping on someone's foot and asking them which one of their toes hurt the most. I'd tell them: DA SO' TOE!