My Electrifying Personality

Wherever I go, I always keep a tissue or a handkerchief with me. I use it when I press the elevator button at the gym, I use it when I turn door handles, and I use it when I open the filing cabinet at work. I also try not to touch peoples' skin when I'm close to them. What do you think about that? Do you think I'm a neurotic germaphobe like Monk? I can tell you now that I am not. The truth is that I get shocked whenever I touch a metal surface or come into contact with another person. When I feel that sudden jolt of electricity, I spaz out and scream like a girlie girl. It's quite embarrassing, trust me. I'd rather have people believing that I'm afraid of germs than have them see that I can be Janet Leigh's scream double.

I've talked to a lot of people about my problem with the zaps and no one really had an explanation as to why it happens to me so much. I've even asked Jeeves and I wasn't able to get a clear answer. Someone told me that it's because I wear so much wool, cotton, polyester, rayon, and nylon. Um, ok that would mean that I'd have to walk around naked because there aren't many other fabrics that I could wear if I stopped wearing those. What a loser. People tell me to stomp my feet when I walk to shake off the static charge, but that just made me look weird. I'd always look like I'm in a bad mood or an interpretive dance class.

When I got home last night, the cute boy in one of the garden apartments in my building saw me use the hankie to open the door. He waited for me to come in and told me that he totally understood where I was coming from because he thinks that our building is full of germs also. Before I could explain to him why I had the hankie, he went on to talk about how he only drinks bottled water and how he uses toilet seat sanitizers for his home toilet. The boy was obviously afraid of germs. It's always the cute ones! That sucks because now I know now that I'll never get a rim job from the boy in G-2.