I don't swim in your toilet...

My dance training came in handy this week as I tried to walk up Clark street in the lakeview neighborhood. I was going about my business, wearing brand new Pumas on my enormous feet and rocking out to a Gwen Stefani song on my mp3 player, when I spotted a pile of dog shit on the sidewalk. I didn't notice it at first because it blended in with the sidewalk and I really wasn't paying much attention to what was on the ground. My shoes sent a psychic message to me out of fear of being caked with the hideous fecal matter, so I quickly did a pas jete to avoid it. It's an easy little jump that looks really queer and I did it quite well, considering I had my gym bag slung over my shoulder. The fun didn't stop there! I kept walking and I noticed dog poo by the dumpsters, dog poo by the telephone poles, dog poo near the parking meters, dog poo next to dog poo in front of stores, and dog poo coming out of a dog on a leash being held by its owner who didn't have a dog poo bag with her.

As the woman walked away, I called out to her: "you're forgetting something!" but she kept walking away like she didn't hear me. If I wasn't concerned about germs or ruining my manicure, I would have picked up that dog crap and thrown it at her. Cunts like her are the reason that certain streets in Chicago look like literal shit holes.

I talked to a guy who owns a store on Clark street and suggested that he watch for dog owners who let their dog's poop go unscooped. My idea was to stake out the area sometime with a bullhorn and a camera to catch the cunts who don't scoop the poop. We should humiliate the poop perps and post their pictures on a website that chronicles all of the reasons why Chicago isn't as beautiful as it should be. Their pictures will be featured with pictures of my ex. Oh! Cheap shot, I know.

One of the things that I would do if I lost touch with reality is that I would spy on people who leave dog shit on the street and follow them home so I could take a dump right there in front of where they live and piss on the side of their building. I'd do it every day until they haul me away. Then they'd know what it's like to walk up and down Clark street in their ugly sherpa boots that they bought just because Oprah had it on her "favorite things" show.