Great Expectorations

Waiting for the train going home on Sunday, I saw a very attractive man on the platform across from me. He was tall and had very chiseled features, not unlike an Yves Saint Laurent model. In typicial Richie hoplessness, I began to imagine what our children would look like once the scientific and moral barriers surrounding genetic engineering collapsed like the Berlin wall. His name in my fantasy would be Mikos and he would speak with a sexy accent as his wavy hair swayed in the breeze. I was playing out an entire dream sequence and singing "Somewhere That's Green" (from Little Shop of Horrors) in my mind, when suddenly the dream sequence was interrupted by a horrible sound.

From the opposite train platform, I heard my Mikos snort his phlegm in an uncharacteristic and sonorous motion as he reared his head back and let loose with one of the most disgusting actions in my opinion. He spit. Yes, he spit. Good heavens, who in this world thinks that spitting is sexy? I think it's just gross and it's a huge turnoff for me. When I see people who spit, I superimpose an image of a Llama's head on their bodies because Llamas are known to spit. Blech.

The Brits have this thing called Operation: Gobstopper. Test kits are given to public workers to collect DNA samples in case someone spits on them. They pop the swabs into a machine and match the results against the national DNA database. Yeah I know, I also think it's scary to have everyone's DNA on record. Anyway, they arrested a punk ass 17 year old kid who spit on a bus driver in London last year and now the kits are being used all over the place. They do it because they know that spitting on someone is unsanitary and can lead to all sorts of nasty diseases. They also use the metric system. Ah, I love the Brits!

I'd like to mention one last thing and it involves gay sex, so stop reading if you get easily grossed out. Hmm, why are you reading my blog if you get easily grossed out anyway? I talk about a lot of crazy stuff. Ahem. Spitting during sex is just wrong. There's nothing more disheartening than seeing someone spit after they agreed to take your load in their mouth.