What's a guy like you doing in a place like this?

My friend Scott was telling me about an article he read on MSN that featured the weirdest places to meet people. I searched for it and I couldn't find it, but I do know that a lot of my gay friends have met guys in the strangest situations. One friend met a guy in the bathroom at a straight bar. Another one of my friends was at his nephew's fifth birthday party and met one of the hot gay uncles there. I have them both beat. I once met a man in a hearse.

I was in Guam last year for my grandfather's funeral and the snacky funeral director (who reminded me of a slightly older version of David from Six Feet Under) asked who would ride to the cemetery with him and my grandfather. I quickly volunteered because it was the oldest and most favored grandson's duty to do so... or so I told the funeral director.

My luck increased when he made small talk during the ride, remarking that he was also from Chicago. He'd heard from my loquacious aunt that I was mister big shot from Chicago and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I'd earned the nickname "big shot" for entirely different reasons. I noticed a bit of "family" emanating from his voice and his hand gestures, so I named off several gay bars that I frequented and he remarked how he missed going to those places. Apparently, he moved to the island of Guam because he loved the culture and wanted to get away from the noise of the city. That means that he loves ethnic boys and he's running from the mob.

You're all probably freaked out that I was trying to spit game with my grandfather's body in the back of the hearse, but grandfather would have wanted that. He would always want his grandchildren to meet nice people with jobs and transportation, and this guy had both. Sure, his mode of transportation has built-in coffin rollers, but who am I to judge?

We had a grand old time, laughing and flirting while tapping each others' knees when we said something witty, and he invited me to meet him later at the one gay bar on the island. The name of the bar is "Denial," which is fitting because it's full of naval officers and air force pilots.

Upon arriving at the cemetery, I exited the hearse with a huge smile on my face which was a stark contrast to all of the somber faces of my family. This story really doesn't have a happy ending because I later found the funeral director scamming on the altar boys, telling them about Denial and how he would be there later. Oh well. Circle of Life.

So far I have yet to meet someone who can top my hearse flirt experience, and I'm open to hearing any stories that come close.