Straighten Up and Fly Right... at what cost!?!?

I know a lot of people who always need to "straighten up" their homes whenever they have a relative visiting. Straightening up is the term that gay people use whenever they need to de-gay their living space. You've all seen one of your gay friends in panic mode, trying to get rid of all the gay pride flags and back issues of Inches magazine they've got laying around because his mother is coming over in an hour.

Taking all of the gay out of a gay person's home is like taking all of the curse words out Sarah Silverman's stand-up act. It needs to be there or else it won't be what it truly is. Does that make sense? Take me, for example:

I've got my rainbow pride beads hanging in the kitchen, right next to a refrigerator full of clippings of Jake Gyllenhaal. I have pictures of my friends scattered all over the place, some with me licking or pinching nipples. When you step into my bathroom, you are greeted by all of my favorite porn stars and the cocks that made them famous. If you're lucky, I will have left a variety of sex toys on display. People who use my computer have to navigate through countless gigabytes of gay porn. You really can't swing your dick in my apartment without hitting something gay, and that's just the way I like it! I like cocks, I like to look at pictures of cocks, and anyone who has a problem with that can kiss my cock-devouring ass.

Hiding all of the things that would make people think that you are gay only proves that you haven't accepted your homosexuality, and that's just stupid. It's not like you're hiding the corpses of all of the men you've murdered during one of your Ambien amnesia episodes. I know some guys who hide pictures of their male friends and replace them with pictures of women. How would you feel if your picture got replaced with someone who has to sit down to pee? I'd be pretty darn upset.

So please don't categorize yourself with the rest of the proud gay people if you have to "straighten up" in order to have company come over to your apartment. It's very insulting to me if you hound me to buy you an "I love dicks" mug and you end up hiding it from your mother when she comes to visit.

Do you mind?!?!

People just can't keep to themselves anymore. You can't read a newspaper or magazine on the train without some jerk looking over your shoulder and reading it. You be in a car accident without people gawking at you as they slowly drive past the scene. Try checking your cell phone when it rings without one of your friends asking: "Who's that?" and looking to see who's on your caller ID. There's just no privacy anymore because people are so fucking nosy.

I ran the LaSalle Bank Shamrock Shuffle yesterday, fighting the other 29,999 participants for a decent camera shot to send to my high school reunion committee. After the race, participants are treated to yummy foods such as bananas, cookies, cheese crackers, and bagels. I decided to grab a cardboard box and stock up on the vittles. Holding a box is also a good way to keep your hands busy if you're a chronic knuckle-cracker.

As I stood amidst a crowd of tens of thousands of participants and spectators, I noticed that a lot of people were extremely curious as to what was inside my box. "A lot" turned into "quite a lot," then that quickly turned into "every damned person who passed." I started to feel a little violated, and that's pretty hard to do, considering how many men I've had sex with in my lifetime. They just kept coming close to me as they passed and darting their eyes into my vulnerable little stash of food in the cardboard box.

A part of me wanted to lash out at peoples' blatant nosiness, but another part of me wanted to keep it quiet. That same part just happened to be my naughty side and it also wanted to cut a hole in the box so I can slip my cock through it. It would be just like the SNL skit with Justin Timberlake singing about his cock in a box, except mine would look cuter and stink less.

When did people get so nosy? What happened to just keeping your eyes forward and minding your own damned business? I just don't see what's so fascinating about a sweaty Asian guy holding a box of bananas and cookies. Maybe they WERE hoping for some cock in a box... I don't know. What I do know is that nothing is sacred anymore. Apparently, if you step outside your home, you are required to display every aspect of your personal space to anyone who comes near you. You must sit still while they stare at you and wonder why you're doing whatever the hell it is that you are doing.

That's what's happening in America, and that's all the more reason why we need to combine charm and etiquette classes and boot camps and force random people to go to them. Or we could put our cocks in boxes and stand in a crowd. You decide.

Lavatory Lamentation

Anyone who complains about women not getting treated as equally as men have obviously never seen the difference between a men's and women's restroom at a movie theater.

Ask any random stranger and they'll tell you that I've been in a lot of public restrooms in my life. Restrooms in movie theatres, department stores, restaurants, bus stations, and bath houses all have a similar layout. There are three or four stalls with no toilet paper, three urinals that don't flush, two sinks, and one working soap dispenser (if you're lucky). There's not a lot of space to stand if you're waiting to use a toilet or urinal, and you can forget about trying to give someone a hand job because you'd end up bruising your arm on the partition from all the back and forth action... at least, I think that's what would happen. I don't really know. Really. Scout's honor.

And yes, I've seen the inside of a woman's restroom. I once worked at a movie theatre, and I had to clean up after two women fought each other and broke one of the mirrors. Classy, huh? I wasn't prepared for what I'd see in there. I always thought that all restrooms were alike, but I was so very wrong! There was a lounge area with really nice curved sofas, little tables to set things on, and full-length mirrors as far as the eye could see. The walls had really nice sconces with actual light bulbs in them. There were vases with fresh flowers in them, lotion dispensers at the sinks, and facial tissue and breath mints right next to the paper towel dispensers. There had to have been at least thirty five stalls, each with enough room to do an Irish jig and some yoga.

I think that it's really unfair to design buildings in this manner. That's why I think that all men's restrooms should be renovated to cater to the taste of men who appreciate the finer things when it comes time to take a leak.

• Is it too much to ask to watch a plasma screen while I'm having a piss? I'm always stuck having to refrain from looking down at the cock of the gross man in the urinal next to me. It could be beer advertisements or CNN for all I care. If I have to glance down and catch a glimpse of one more flaccid uncut penis poking out of a thicket of pubic hair that hasn't seen a razor in ten years, I'm going to puke.
• There will be absolutely NO fluorescent lighting in my ideal public restroom. The fixtures should be equipped with Reveal bulbs or black light bulbs.
  
• How about some lotion dispensers? Chicago gets very dry in the winter, and a lot of us suffer from cracked palms. Think about that the next time you ask me for a hand job!
• I like the idea of having a lounge area that has some strategically placed mirrors for me to check out guys while they're at the urinals. It would save a lot of time if I could select the guy I'm going to seduce if I could see if he trims or not.
  
• A two-way mirror that looks into the lobby is a must! It would be big enough for the gays to check out their asses and to point out men in the common area who cry when they ejaculate so other men won't be subjected to such torture.

So the next time you're trying to make your way through a crowded restroom with toilet paper on the floor, think of how great the women have it. Then think of how great we COULD be having it. My restroom wish list isn't all that unreasonable. I wanted to have built-in antibacterial knee pads put in front of all the toilets added to the list, but I have to think about EVERYONE'S needs and not just my own.

In My Wildest Dreams

I'm one of the many Americans plagued with sleep problems. I'd have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Sometimes I won't get into my sleep groove until 5 A.M. and by then it's time to get up! Then I asked my doctor about sleep aids.

We had to do some testing to see which sleep aid was right for me. I tried Ambien, then Lunesta. Both helped me fall asleep, but I couldn't STAY asleep. It was really quite frustrating... until he gave me Ambien CR.

Ambien CR has two layers - one helps you fall asleep fast and the other is slowly released into your body to help you stay asleep. It's fucking amazing. I'd sleep for seven to eight hours and feel refreshed, but I wouldn't wake up with my eyes fluttering and my arms stretched as I yawned with a big smile on my face. The first time I took Ambien CR, I awoke with a startled gasp - sweating through my sheets and sitting up with a terrified flash.

One of the side effects of Ambien CR is intense nightmares. The first terrifying dream had me kidnapped by the mobster Mr. Craig from General Hospital, with Kelly Clarkson as his accomplice. It ended with me wrestling the gun from Kelly in attempt to overpower her and eventually escape with the help of Peyton Manning and the little league team he was coaching. I've had several other nightmares with demons forcing me to build pyramids, department store owners trying to hit me with mannequin parts, and forced sex dreams with attractive men. I don't know if the forced sex qualifies as a nightmare if the attacker is ultra hot. Hmm...

If you have trouble sleeping, but want to experience fantastic sights that you can't even see on the weirdest science fiction movie, then go and get some Ambien CR. It's the new peyote!

Never a groom

If there's one thing that my friend, Joe, and I agree on, it's that we hate gay weddings. I just roll my eyes at any type of ceremony where love is celebrated because I don't believe in love. Ugh, love. Joe, on the other hand, finds gay weddings nauseating. He wasn't very clear about it, but then I thought back to that show on Bravo called "Gay Weddings."

Gay Weddings featured four couples and their journey down the aisle. It was very painful to watch, as each couple had major drama before their respective ceremonies. I remember the lesbian couple that panicked when the manly woman who was to make their wedding cake called them the day before the wedding to announce that her father had been found murdered the night before. Then the woman was like: "what are we going to do about a cake then?" I was starting to get a good idea of what Joe was talking about.

Then, fate stepped in to shove a finger further down my throat in hopes of making me vomit by airing "First Comes Love" on Logo. It was the first thing that appeared on my television when I turned it on at 6 P.M. last night. I figured that a few years had passed and that gay couples who plan on getting married should be a little different by now. I thought I was prepared for this one.

The couple wanted a tasteful and elegant wedding. Remember those two words, tasteful and elegant. Everything was going fine until they brought out their main idea for the evening: All the guests would wear masquerade masks. There's nothing more elegant than 120 guests decked out in big feathery and glittery masks! Oh yeah, and one of the guys was going to cater the event himself. He would be responsible for rolling enough lamb meatballs (that he had to thaw in his shower) to feed all those people.

Keeping the tastefulness and elegance of the evening meant having Bollywood dancers and a belly dancer performing under all of the tents they had to set up because it rained that night. But they did interview a fire juggler, so at least it wasn't tacky. ::faint::

If you enjoy watching slow motion train wrecks, then this show is for you. I'm sure all gay weddings aren't as messy or dramatic as this one was, but why have a wedding if it'll only end up being a party with a few mushy words thrown in?

Why do gay people need wedding ceremonies, anyway? Though I'm not a big fan of love, you have to see where I'm going with this. I think gay people get caught up in trying to be regarded as equals when it comes to living in a world with straight people that they come up with outlandish ways to tell the world that "we're here, we're different, and we're fabulous!" Meanwhile, the rest of the gays get pressured into going to these things that their friends just had to do and we end up having to watch two grooms feed each other wedding cake shaped like a gay flag.