My Gay Relationship Made Me Do It

Yesterday we were discussing the wonderful topic of cheating spouses and the breakthrough semen home test kit called CheckMate. It's cool for heterosexuals, but what's a homo to do when he suspects his lover of infidelity? The CheckMate is practically useless to gay men, for obvious reasons (both members of the relationship produce semen). We can't exactly de-pants our lovers and swab down their ass holes in search of semen that shouldn't be there. That's just crazy.

One of my friends actually had an idea as to how gay men can use the CheckMate without being discovered:

You put rufees in his drink as soon as he comes home. Then you use the kit to test his body for sperm. Be sure to test his hair!

I'm pretty sure that this is illegal, not to mention morally reprehensible. Roofies have been known to put people in comas if they didn't die from the initial dose. You don't want your lover to end up in a coma or to die. Then you'll NEVER know if he was really cheating on you. You'll also be stuck with either a hospital or funeral bill.

I asked a few of my gay male friends what they would do if they ever suspected that their lover was cheating on them:

I'd just ask him, point blank.
He'll say he's not cheating. Then you'll believe him and you'll both live as a happy couple, making bundt cakes and streudels. Then you wake up with chlamydia and a note on your pillow, stating that "it just isn't working."

I'd look through his email records, chat transcripts, cell phone records, txt msgs...
You'd need access to his computer and cell phone, which probably would require diverting his attention with some grand scheme in order to get a free moment to search it. Who has time to do all of that? Another thing to consider is that the guy is probably smart enough to know not to set up his trysts using methods that are easily traceable.

I'd ask around. My friends would tell me if they knew anything.
I kind of like this one. Of course, it'll only work if you've got mutual friends.

Send a fake email to him posing as someone else and tell him how long you've had a crush on him and ask if he'd be interested in meeting up for coffee.
This only works if you know he's using a dating/casual sex website like Manhunt or Adam4Adam. And what are you going to do when he does take the bait? You're forced to confront him at that point, and you'll just end up looking like a nutjob who has all this time on his hands to create a phony profile.

You can ask him the same questions on several occasions and wait for him to slip up.
If you watch courtroom dramas, you'd know that this tactic is utilized by most of the lawyers. It has definite merit in real life though, as most cheating men are not smart enough to practice their testimony when they're being grilled by the lover they're cheating on.


What I'd do

I recommend hiring a private investigator. If you're one of my six faithful readers, you'd know that I discovered that my boyfriend cheated on me and I chronicled it in the entry entitled "I'm on to you!" I spent weeks searching for the truth, weeks I could have spent taking music lessons or reading a good book. Private investigators also have access to a wealth of resources that the general public does not. All you have to do is provide a few details about his life and sit back while he does all the work for you. At the end of the investigation, you get a nice little portfolio with either incriminating photos of your lover with some skinny crack whore who dances at The Lucky Horseshoe or a piece of paper with the name of a good counselor who specializes in paranoia because your lover really wasn't cheating on you. The important thing is that you'll have figured out the truth without getting your hands dirty or looking like a raving lunatic.