"My Marriage Made Me Do It"

She always comes home smelling like cologne you'd find in the bargain bin at TJ Maxx. She never answers the phone when you call. Whenever you want to have sex with her, she's never in the mood. Someone keeps calling the house and hanging up whenever you answer the phone. Is your lady cheating on you? How can you be sure?

A funny little product popped up on various forensic investigative message boards recently, and I found it extremely amusing. It's an infidelity test kit called CheckMate that tests for traces of semen on clothes. It even comes with enough materials to test ten times, which is perfect for men who aren't man enough to dump their skanky girlfriends after finding that the first test was positive.

One of the websites that sells CheckMate, SpyGear4U.com, also includes a slide show demonstration of the product. A pair of women's panties is tested for semen, and I don't know if they're swabbing the inside or the outside of the panties. From all of the selling points listed on the website, I'm assuming that they're testing the inside because...

After sexual intercourse the flowback of the male partners semen from the woman's body results in dried semen stains in the undergarment worn by the woman after the episode.

If you were a woman who was cheating on her boyfriend or husband, wouldn't you have worn a condom? Anyone stupid enough to have another man's semen seep into their panties from their vagina deserves to get caught.

This kit may be a godsend for the heterosexual community, but what are us gays supposed to do when our men come home smelling like the emaciated dancers at The Lucky Horseshoe? With both members of the relationship secreting the same type of evidence used to incriminate in the heterosexual test kit, it's a little more difficult to find out if our men are cheating.

Tomorrow we'll get some input from various members of the gay community about surefire (and possibly mentally unbalanced) methods of finding the truth in a sea of doubt and secret text messages during your one on one time. Stay tuned!