So Crazy, It Just Might Work!

Yesterday I promised to share my new and quirky techniques for meeting new and exciting people, so here it is. Enjoy!


The Crazy Double Take

After making eye contact for more than three seconds (counting is important), slowly turn away with a coy smile. Then quickly turn back to look at him with a crazy look on your face. I like to pretend that I am reacting to news that I'd been selected to represent the United States in the world championship of naked yoga.

Why it works: How many times have you seen someone do this? The crazy double take isn't really about being funny or silly. It's about being unique among a lot of individuals. Statistically, there are not a lot of funny gay men in Chicago. Being one of the few funny-seeming people in the city will more likely attract people because they've been deprived of it for so long. It's a lot like supply and demand.

Disclaimer: There's a good chance that the crazy double take will backfire, so be prepared to talk your way out of it if you are accused of being on illegal substances. Sometimes an innocent smile and a shrug of the shoulders will save you, but not often.


Rock the Accessories

Unique accessories are great ways of breaking the ice and getting men to talk to you. Is it raining? Bring a huge golf umbrella instead of that dinky little bumbershoot. It opens up the possibility of you assuring the guy that you're not compensating for small genitals. Ditch the basic white iPod headphones for a snazzy red pair of Vmoda Vibe earbuds. Only two people in Chicago own red earbuds and a lot of people always ask me where I got mine.

Why it works: A lot of people are afraid to talk to others because they feel like they have no way to start a conversation. Men like big things, colorful things, shiny things, and things that make noise. Not only will the accessory calm them down, but the uniqueness of the accessory will spark their curiosity and get them to talk more.


Edgy Liquor

My friend Aileen likes to order seltzer water and bitters. She calls it a "Bitter Aileen." Whenever I see her interact with people on the subject of the drink in her hand, it always results in a roaring good time. One of the most frequently asked questions in a bar or cocktail party is "what are you drinking?" If you respond to that question with Bud Light, Miller Light, vodka tonic, long island iced tea, or cosmo, then you've lost all hope of having a fun conversation. You may as well tell the guy that you alphabetize your DVDs and listen to NPR on Friday nights.

I order vodka tonics with maraschino cherries in them instead of the traditional lime because it looks cooler and tastes better. You can also go around to guys and ask them if they want your cherry.

Why it works: Ordering drinks the way you want them and not the way they're supposed to be made is a great way to show people that nobody can tell you how to live your life.

Disclaimer: This one only works in places that serve alcohol, so it won't work if you're a t totaler. Also, for those of you who enjoy Manhattans, be warned that there's a nasty little association between Manhattans and angry, aging divorcees who live in Boca Raton.


The Imaginary Fuzz Pick

During a low point in the conversation (if you're lucky enough to have survived a crazy double take), furrow your brow and pretend to notice a piece of fuzz on the person's shoulder. Pick it off and flick it away, then smooth the material on his shirt.

Why it works: Tactile contact between strangers is very intimate, so people often go giddy when somebody touches them in one way or another. The fuzz pick also satisfies every man's primal need for personal attention.

Disclaimer: Occasionally, you'll encounter people who don't like to be touched. In these cases, the fuzz pick will indeed shine because it helps identify the crazy folks.


Please don't come after me if you fail at any of these new techniques. It works for me, so if it doesn't work for you, then you did it wrong.