My Muse Gave Me the Finger and Ran Off to Vegas

I've been getting e-mail from my five readers, asking why my entries have dwindled over the past couple of weeks. I'm dealing with every writer's worst nightmare: writer's block.

I like to think of my blog as an ice sculpture of two men having sex. It's cool, it's gay, and you don't see very many like it in your lifetime. I'd feel really bad if I cocked it up by straying from my intended vision of having something gay and fun to read that you can't read anywhere else. Sure, I can easily crank out an entry about what I ate for breakfast or take a picture of something pointless and write a few lines about it and call them entries, but who'd be interested in that?

Take the television show, "Roseanne," for example. Roseanne was such a great show for such a long time... until they recast Becky (They say she's the same, but she's not the same!). The show didn't get good again until the original Becky came back, but then it started to suck after they won the lottery.

A change in the overall look and feel of a television show in a desperate attempt to keep things fresh and new but ultimately end up backfiring is called "Jumping the Shark." It's named for the time when Fonzie jumped over a shark on his surfboard.

I really don't want my blog to jump the shark, so I'm not going to just pull an entry out of my ass or do anything else that takes away from how my blog is at the moment. You can either have crap seven days a week or cool stuff every once in a while . Which would you choose?

So please bear with me during my mental barrenness. It'll be over before you know it!

The Science of the Sixty Nine

A lot of men in personals ads will put in their profile that they prefer men who are similar to their own height. People are entitled to their own preferences, but there have to be reasons as to why a lot of men don't like to date people who are much taller or shorter than they are. I've asked a few people about this and the response that comes up the most is that sex with someone taller or shorter than you can be awkward and cumbersome.

As someone who has done extensive research on the subject of sex, let me be the first to state that sex with someone taller or shorter than you is NOT awkward or cumbersome. The only time it would be cumbersome would be kissing while standing, and that's nothing that a strategically-placed floor pillow from Crate and Barrel can't fix.

What people are most worried about is that they won't match up during the ever-crucial and extremely enjoyable "69" position. Are their fears justified? I decided to see for myself.

Using myself as a control (because I'm 5'8.5" and the average height for males in the United States is 5'9"), I compared the MTC (mouth to cock) distances of people who are taller and shorter than me. I changed the subjects' names to protect their identities. Here are the results:

According to my data, the MTC distances for all six subjects are fairly similar. The average MTC distance is 29.9 inches. If you don't believe me, the grab a tape measure and give it a go!

So the next time someone scoffs at an extremely tall or short man open their eyes to my MTC study. You'll be helping them add another notch to their bedpost and you'll be helping me re-establish my credibility in the scientific community. I mean, geez! You embroider a few lousy hot rod flames onto your lab coat and take it in a few inches to accentuate your pecs and suddenly you're the whore of Organic Chemistry.

A Hollaback Christmas

If you want to use a Christmas tree to let the world know that you're a big flaming queer, you can always take the easy path and deck it out with rainbow flags, disco balls, martini glasses, or various phallic-shaped objects. I prefer a less obvious approach.

I present to you my entry for "Chicago's Gayest Christmas Tree." As you can see, I've got the lovely Gwen Stefani as my tree topper. This is the outfit she wore on TRL last year to promote her second solo album, The Sweet Escape. I also decorated the tree with gold ornaments and reproductions of the G key necklace that she wears. She's holding a little ornament, saying "I had a kid and look amazing in these shorts, but that doesn't mean that I can't help you decorate your Gwen-tastic Christmas tree!" I then thank Gwen for helping make this holiday all the more special, then realize that I'm talking to a doll.

If you still don't think that it's gay enough, take a look at the calendar I have in the back behind the tree. Why, it's the super yummy Jake Gyllenhaal! He's peeking from behind, making sure that Gwen isn't stringing more than three strands of lights together. It's a fire hazard!

I'm allowed to be silly at least once a year, so please don't think any less of me. Have a hollaback holiday, everyone!

Luck of the Drawl

Whenever my friend Bertam calls me to go to the bars with him, I always hesitate. The evenings always result in him entrancing a lot of the men without even trying, leaving me to sit in a dark corner as invisible as a middle child at my family's dinner table. I'm a middle child.

I'd like to think that Bert and I are on the same level. We're both pretty good looking, we dress well, and we're not dumb by any means. So why does he command the attention of every man he talks to while I struggle to keep conversations going? The answer is that he's from the U.K. and has a distinct British accent.

Four out of five gay men I asked admitted that they find a man with an accent absolutely irresistible, three of those four having drooled so much thinking about such a man that I had to follow them with a paper towel. The fifth person claimed to not be interested in the accent, but later admitted that he'd be curious as to where the person with the accent was from. This means that he really is interested but feels that there should be a bit of conversation before the eventual pants dropping because he doesn't want to seem easy.

A single gay man's brain works like a point-tallying computer whenever he's in a situation where there's a chance of hooking up. Whichever man gets the most points in one evening scores a free trip to the bedroom. Here are just a few of the standard point values:

Full set of teeth - 5 points
High School Diploma - 10 points
College Degree - 20 points
Tattoo - 25 points
Car - 30 points
Job - 50 points
A bed that doesn't fold - 75 points
British, Australian, French, German, or Swedish accent - 1,000,000 points

As you can see, you can be a degreed professional with a job, a car, and shiny white teeth and still lose out to Bert or any other man with an accent. What's worse is that American gays can't go to other countries and expect the same type of attention. My friends in Europe tell me that nobody thinks that Americans are sexy or smart and that the American accent is as charming as a genital rash.

There is hope, though. A man named David A. Stern has developed an extensive guide to learning various dialects. You can find some of them on The Costumer, or on Amazon.com. With these guides, you can easily pass yourself off as a Brit. Just tell people that you've spent some time in England and that you were so engrossed in the culture that you picked up the dialect. Throw in a few phrases like "I'm gagging for a shag" or "sod off, you bollocky bastard" and you'll be in the zone!

Be sure to pick one dialect and stick to it or else you'll look like Madonna when she appeared on Oprah that time and everyone fixated on her fake accent instead of her adopting that Malawian baby.